Dee-Rob

Finally, after days and weeks and a month of too much contact with the human race, I am sitting alone. Thank fucking god. I’m only sad that I had to wait until August to feel the recharge of not having to do anything with or for anyone. Of course, the humanity I hate at the moment is minus one. M. is still the exception.

Here’s what I learned in the month of July:

* I really am glad I made friends through Boston comedy. There were some kickass humans in the mix when I started, and I’m glad to know them.
* The Atlantic in July is way warmer than I remember and makes the Pacific seem like ice cubes in alcohol.
* I have to plan a trip to LA and see some Boston transplants.
* Meeting planning is one of a handful of things that I’m good at but hate like poison.
* Accounting and managing costs are other poisonous activities for which I have a knack.
* People in hotels at work-related activities turn into assholes. Or maybe hotels have an asshole-amplifying effect.
* Folks who pout and scowl through a day are some of the biggest dicks in the whole dick spectrum of humanity. Fucking lighten up.
* One measure of maturity just might be the frequency in which you pout and scowl.
* I will never respect anyone who shouts at hotel and restaurant staff. Listen bitch, the dude swinging by with the sandwich cart didn’t make them or order them, leave him the fuck alone.
* If a situation is well-planned and under control, someone will inevitably fuck that mojo up with his/her “bright” ideas.
* For better or worse, I sometimes measure my humanity by the fact that I usually can swing good deals, free drinks, extras and other perks from service industries. I attribute this phenomenon to the fact that I’m not a total cunt.
* If you’re at a resort hotel, and you need your room changed not once but twice, it’s you not the hotel.
* A sometimes overlooked part of negotiation is being a good guy. You know why the hotel charged me extra for your request and denied us extra space? Here’s a hint, it was not unrelated to them pointing you out to me and questioning if you had any authority at all and wondering why you acted like you did.
* Sometimes all you got to do to be a good guy is listen. Simple really.
* My happiness at a job is inversely proportional to my mastery. When it’s new and messy and I’m still learning and fixing, I’m cool. When everything is in place and working out and can take care of itself, I gots to go.
* I don’t actually hate people, I just hate their behavior. I’m sure I’d get along with catatonics.

So that’s my list. It’s kind of a tag for my articles of faith for good living. If I were writing a self-help book, I would seriously question why folks get so fucking worked up to thinking they’re needs are higher, better, faster, smarter, superlative-r than the next guys’. We’re all dust. Why not be the kind of dust that doesn’t blind someone or getting into the ass crack of major annoyance?

Between the work retreat in Napa and this weekend, I’ve been spending too much time staring at imaginary cracks in strange ceilings. We spent the weekend in the big city of San Francisco on ocassion of their marathon. I hung around in boutique hotel chi-chi-ness whilst M. ran until his natural resources were depleted and stopped at 26.2 miles.

What I know is, I don’t sleep so good on strange bedding and surroundings. I imagine my slutty years were all about insomnia really. I mean if you’re out partying and you crash somewhere, if you know you won’t sleep, you have to occupy your time somehows.

Now, without the excess boozing and the sedate lifestyle, I’m left to lying awake and feeling miserably tired. On the plus side, the early morning self-recriminations are nowhere to be found.

If whining about sleeplessness isn’t enough, in addition to luxury hotels I’m done with cuisine. For about 7 solid days, I’ve dined out on finely prepared, sumptuous food, and I’m bloated and overstuffed. Bologna on whitebread is the level of richness I could currently stand.

To summarize, I think I’ve just mind-melded with the emotional depth that is Paris Hilton.