I couldn’t let the day go buy without acknowledging that April 15 was “Tea Party” day. Honestly, I don’t fucking understand one bit of the allegedly grassroots protests “spontaneously” rocking out around the country to start a revolution. I gather people are unhappy and government spending is bad.

I read this article in the Wall Street Journal, and all I could think was “bullshit.” I ain’t a conspiracy theory kind of gal, but come, the fuck, on. Can it really be a huge leap to figure Rupert’s newspaper is writing the tribute to humble Americans organizing all by themselves and getting their activist freak on, at the same fucking time Fox News has spent a lot of time on the airwaves pimping the shit out of the rallies. Wouldn’t the opposite of grassroots activism be a celebrity from the television hosting your show?

Here are the things I really don’t understand about the Tea Party protests: why now, why tea and who the fuck are these people?

The why now question is prompted by the “outrage about government out of control,” as Sean, the colossal douche, Hannity, notes. Where the hell were these throngs of angry citizens when George W. Bush had fucked the country over to trillions of debt and a crazy ass, expensive war? Government didn’t spin out of control in the last few months, this shit’s been building. Why not protest in 2004, when it was already clear what Bush was about, and/or why the fuck did he win a second term?

I don’t get the 2009 ire. Hell, TARP was Bush’s baby that Obama inherited. I’ll just pretend that it’s unlikely it’s sore loserdom or the kind of racism that posters like this
one seem to love. dsc02711.jpg (Credit to wonkette.com)

The why tea question is a twofer. Firstly, I don’t think folks understand metaphor or history too well. In the original tea party, as in the Boston Tea Party, future Americans had their panties in a bunch, because the British monarchy was forcing it’s own (monopolistic) agenda on the colonies and heavily taxed tea was a symbol for the colonists on how they were getting hosed. The Brits owned the tea that got trashed rather than purchased and taxed and drunk by the colonists, who were pissed by not having a say in the whole deal.

How does any of that relate to the fact relate to Americans who did (or could have) voted for a president and legislative bodies, you know the kind of representative government our that got our forefathers all hot and bothered? And, if you’re looking for the revolutionary act of throwing something out that represents your discontent with the tyrants in government, I think you’d have to loot a bank or light a Buick on fire to get the metaphor right. After all, they’re the ones getting the bailout bucks, funded by us taxpayers.

My other problem with the tea action applies to any and all protesters, activists, collective action. Ask the fuck around before embracing an embarrassing double entendre like “teabagging” for your posters and slogans. Holy fucking shit what a bunch of maroons. If your buddies giggle like sophomores lighting farts over your poster, you may lack gravitas.

(Credit to Shorts and Pants)

Finally, I don’t know who these people are. The “silent majority” phrase seems warped here, since there were a record number of voters and last I checked Obama did win. All of the pictures seem a whiter shade of pale, and where I live we got different shades of honest to god voting Americans.

And, they are angry Americans. Why are they so angry? Who stole their rights, and free speech and all that, given that they are freely and lawfully assembling, and there aren’t any gulags springing up in my ‘hood (yet)?

Before you get all angry and shit and feeling all ripped off, shouldn’t you have tried to prevent it by organizing BEFORE a major election. It was like in the news for a long while that we were electing a new guy.

Americans amaze me.

Finally, judging by the beer guts and shitty teeth and flushed, red faces in the crowd, they’d probably really get something out of universal healthcare. A couple of taxes could go a long way when your fat ass needs the triple bypass; you can’t get that kind of operation cheap at your local WalMart.

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