Monthly Archives: July 2006

Wishing for an owner's manual

The life of a real estate typhoon is hard.  Serious empathy for The Trump these days.  But he makes it look so easy.

Here’s the thing.  You can make the decision to move across country, easy peasy right?  And, about the time I filled my gas tank and started driving west, I had worked out that the chapter where I lived in my little Cambridge condo was past the peak in the narrative arc and would be winding down.  Sure.  I got that.

And, when I walked through the place in May and took a few pictures, then walked through again with Terry the Real Estate Broker and talked about the work I would need to do to be a landlord, I could feel that the chapter had thinned down to less than a page left.

Who the fuck wants to be a landlord?  Karma, man, karma.  Who would want to sink a lot of dough into a place for the privilege of being a landlord?  A landlord from a distance.  Expensive, bad karma. Even The Trumpster lived nearby in Jersey when the Atlantic City empire began.

Meaning, there wasn’t really anything to decide.  Selling equals more choices.  Choices in Cali with M.

Still and all, it is a weird thing to give up the place.

Tougher still is entertaining two offers that at the moment are the same.

I’m really what you would call pro-choice, and not just about my right to baby killing.  I like a fine array of choices.  Chinese?  Home-cooking?  Bowl of cereal?  Yup, I defend my right to choose.

But, dammit all to hell, I fucking hate the responsibility of deciding.  I ain’t no decider, like the GWBush-man.  Deciding implies ownership and living with consequences and failing amd winning and losing and succeeding and grown up shit and all.

I feel like my condo is a puppy.  I want it to go to a good home that will take care of it and treat it better than I can now.

And, I want to end up with enough cash for M. and me to be able to get a Cali puppy.

How much do the Internets rock?

Dig this my teeny-tiny readership. Yes, you three friends, relatives or cyber-buddies, please do listen up.

My home of the last 10 years is chilling in the free market economy. It has put its best face forward, new shiny windows and white picket fence, looking to close the Cambridge chapter of the dee-rob.com saga. Maybe not entirely close, because you can take the girl out of Cambridge and all that.

(Personally, I thought when I let comedians sleep there when I left, because lord knows sane people wouldn’t leave comics behind as stewards, I thought the saga would end differently. I imagined a blaze of glory that would be retold in flashbacks on some “Behind the Music” style show or an interview, “Is it true that you accidentally lit your friend’s house on fire?”)

Anyway, July 4 and the impending sale combined has me getting pretty nostalgic. There were a lot of calls to friends who had drunk on that back deck and walked down to the river to see the fireworks, and then walked back and drank some more.

July 4 and fireworks are kind of the perfect holiday ingredients. The weather is usually good so there’s that. There aren’t all sorts of horrible obligatory traditions and whatnot or familial requirements. Nothing is mandatory and seldom does it end in tears or regrets. Well, I have regretted some tequila shots come July 5. And, Pat always claimed that there was something about salmon and snow peas that were the chosen meal of the day. But, while she said that, not once did the salmon or snow pea appear on a plate in the 70 + summers she bitched about the heat and humidity and enjoyed.

The other bonus is absolutely no liberal guilt or anti-war sentiment clouds the Revolutionary War. I still rally round not paying taxing to no stinking king.

I’m drifting off topic, which is that the web is a magical place. In the midst of my compulsive need to write here, I’m dealing with strangers 3,000 miles away who are walking through the home that isn’t my home any more but is still my house. And in that 3,000-mile vastness, my real estate agent says, the other broker mentioned that his client saw your website, what’s that all about?

So, he and I talked about stand-up comedy. And, I tell him I’m an aspiring writer and performer. Things that hadn’t come up, given the calculated nature of buying and selling.

And, maybe the future, new resident at my old address is reading this.

And, maybe I should be pandering and marketing and selling, selling, selling. (Even though, as M. has pointed out, my writing tends toward stronger when honest and genuine.)

If it helps, honest to god, I will and do miss the place that was affordable enough for me to call Cambridge home even after rent control ended in the early 90s.

And, from a karmic standpoint, if one were to believe in such things, that place was a significant marker that led me to where I am now. I mentioned this last night to M. or maybe it was over the weekend.

I had allowed the place to get overrun with junk and for a while some of the needed work went undone, because it overwhelmed me. My prior relationship had also overwhelmed me, and the house, and it’s less than stellar state, was a constant source of friction. It represented to that man my inability to adequately take care of things, and my unwillingness to change (which he meant in the least flattering way possible).

Then, the bad man left. I started reclaiming chaos. I met M.

Instead of scolding my failure, M. said, “Hey, we should fix up that front room, so you can use it as a bedroom. I’ll help you clean it and paint it and whatever else it needs.” And so he did.

Maybe it’s not perfect, now, but it a damn sight better than when he first saw it’s use as a disused junk room. I started working on and changing other things. The upstairs neighbor and I pooled resources and did a lot of necessary work, but agreed to stretch our budgets a bit to do it right.

And, here we are.

Where would the karmic wheel have spun if M. had said, “Jesus H. Fucking Christ, you’ve trashed that room, what’s wrong with you?”

Lighter side, while seeking light

What I should write about is our quest for California cliches. This weekend, loosely entitled “Beach Blanket Bingo,” we dragged the grill to the beach to light a fire, sear some meet and watch the sun settle over the Pacific.

As Americans, it was essentially a game of how many provisions we could carry a short distance. [image:4002:l][newline]

The side game was “I’ll follow the sun.” Fucking microclimates. No shit, and I may never get used to this reality, in Northern Cali you could wake up to 80 or 90 degrees of dry heat with a lightbulb hovering headward and illuminating the idea, “BEACH DAY!” A few miles down the road, the temperature has sunk by 30 degrees and fog has clouded blue skies.

Our first beach stop in Santa Cruz was Hitchcockian cool with a flurry of pelicans and gulls. [image:3998:l][newline] [image:3987:l][newline]
Cool as it was with riots of birds and a rusted out shipwreck, it was fucking cold.

Eventually, we landed. [image:4008:l][newline]
The lighthouse started moaning out a fog warning. We cooked and the fog rolled in. [image:4006:l][newline] [image:4012:l][newline]
Just call me Gidget.

Curse of imagination

I spent a huge swath of today working myself into a froth. Almost since I have known him, M. and I have swapped a lot of IMs, emails, phone calls and such like messages across the Internet ether. A huge chunk amount to no more than “Hey.”

Wired as we are, I can also see the little green dot in G’Talk and know that he’s logged in somewhere in the universe.

This morning I got to work. No little green dot. I did some work, thinking huh, must be in a meeting. No worries.

By 2 p.m., still no green dot. I call his office. No answer. I call his cell. Straight to voicemail. Lather, rinse, repeat. Foment.

Worry, worry, worry.

I think it my birthright, the natural state of an island of folks who celebrate with songs and novels called “Finnegan’s Wake” is to assume the worst. Worra, worra, worra, worra. I mean, dead in the ditch does happen.

joyce

By 3:30 p.m., I had checked local news websites for car accidents. (His car is a slowly dying.) I’d called his phone many times. I’d rebooted my computer to ensure Google Talk was working. My mood was sour. I imagined myself alone.

I truly spent a hours distraught. I tried to decide what I would do if something was wrong. I thought about whether there was anyone I could call at his work to see if he were there. I thought about how much information I could get at a hospital given that we cohabitate, a hazy legal arrangement.

A good hunk of time had me pondering the late, great Pat. I thought about how the family had moved to Maryland, and maybe we were there for about the same time I’ve been in Cali before tragedy struck.

Pat took the kids and turned around back home to the house that was still on the market in Massachusetts. The way my house is on the market now.

Would I stay here and keep going with the current job? Would I head back? Either way, I both can and cannot imagine what I would do.

More than that, I realized I am too tied to the life we have together, that I would miss him (duh), and I couldn’t possibly know for sure what could possibly happen next.

Then, I got M. on the phone. He was in meetings all day, big doings with HQ back east.

Meetings. And alive.

I do a joke in stand-up about having essentially a happy relationship, and my mind figures that means tragedy looms in a corner if it continues. It rings true when I do it, because it is true.

My brain, the neurotic bits and the imaginative bits, always ends up darkly. I’ll probably die from exhaustion waiting for the other shoe to drop.

In conclusion, I’m a fucking idiot.

Waning 42 Union

I’m told there will be an open house at 42B Union Street in the fair city of Cambridge tomorrow. Go ahead and go. Soak in the aroma of history, the story that was, the memories that are fading.

Or just buy it, mama needs a little cash in the bank to keep materialism shiny and new. I’m looking forward to being a THOUSANDAIRE!

Moral question of the day

I’m a member in good standing of audible.com.  A fabulous source for audiobooks it is too.

So, I have a number of books I can download from my membership.  I was just listening to samples of Ann Fucking Coulter’s books.

Did you know that you can buy many of them as read by the psycho facist herself or by a narrator?  The versions by herself are the cheaper ones.   My guess is even her publishers realize her windbaggedness grates at best after a while.

Anyway, I was thinking I could download one copy and podcast and whatnot that mother fucker to all sorts of lefty corners of the universe.  Remember Abbie Hoffman and “Steal This Book?”

Wouldn’t the cease and desist letter I got eventually be suitable for framing?

By the way, from the sample I learned that as a liberal, I am a Druid and am afraid of science.  Who knew?

Revisiting June 28

There were some technical glitches on this website, and the promised video took a bit to get on up there.

I just relived a significant chunk of the SF Comedy Club contest from June 28, 2006, and you can too by clicking on this here link.  Truth be told, it would suck some powerful marrow out of your lifeblood, and they’d be some hours and minutes you just ain’t getting back.  But, live the magic.

If you want to see me, I’m at this link.  Go ahead, rate my performance.  At this point my ego is either super strong or shredded, so what’s a few stars.

The true criteria to judge of course, as this woman might attest, is the outfit.  For comfort, this outfit rates high for a comedy show.  I felt comfortable, everything seems to fit, nothing glares, and for my mind, the shiny peace sign peaking out of the jacket adds a certain je ne sais quoi.  Sadly, the angle of the camera, shooting from above my 5’3″ frame in a kind of Citizen Kane homage, adds a bit more junk then I’d like to claim in the trunk.  In particular, my thighs are not in real life so saddle-baggish.

For outfit ratings, this clip does pretty well, all things considered.  But, she’s the massive nose-bleeder, and in my not the least bit humble opinion she sucked a fair amount of comedy goodness out of the room with her originality.  I then followed, and none of my shit rhymed.

This guy, well his outfit speaks for what it is.  It is what it is.  He’s the goon who did a whole end-zoney excited YOW’ing and high-fiving awkward thing when he won a spot to continue in the contest.  Watch, learn and as Fox News would say, I report, you decide.

Oh, and if you watch and enjoy the last one, do me a righteous solid and explain the funny.  I just don’t understand kids today.

Last note on outfits.  Very Bay Area, if you could only see the boots.   Imagine this in black:yeti[newline]

[image:3943:l][image:3953:l][newline]So much to write about — where to begin?

I’d write about old Ken Lay avoiding sentencing, but there are a lot of folks writing in their weblogs to the tune of “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead.” By the way, how much of a scumbag do you have to be for NPR to be getting quotes amounting to “Even before Enron, a lot of people quit companies he ran because of his lack of ethics?”

Seems to me that usually the old mainstream media, even the quasi-leftie, intellectual branch, tries to get the obit tie in of some kind of redemptive action. The sort of “Sure, he was a bastard ruler/war-monger/businessman/what-have-you, but the trains ran on time or he helped old ladies across the street or hugged puppies or some wonderful thing. When Nixon and Reagan died, people fell over themselves to talk about China and the Berlin Wall and lovely stuff. You know, forget that pesky Vietnam, Iran/Contra, Bitburg ugliness.

Not Kenny man, nope. For him he mugged middle America and that’s about that.

Then, there’s July 4. My pics above were from Santa Clara, USA. It’s a far cry from the Esplanade in Boston, where I guess I missed Steven Tyler and Joe Perry, but they were pretty damn good. The finale was crazy busy with an outrageousness of sheer volume.

Other than that, we cooked out, ate all day and got our American feedbag on. Sweet. (Oh, and I’ll have to remember to write about fetishes and dating and all sorts of neato shit that summed up makes me smile at the things me and the boy-o have going for us.)

Last thing, I finall ordered by our friendly neighborhood Apple engineer, this here sweet, mother-fucking laptop.macbook[newline]

My Powerbook is a slowly dying and with the old Cambridge homestead about to be listed on the free, capitalistic market of real estate sales, I’m looking to gear up for being a thousandaire.

Let me know if you’re looking for a fixer upper two-bedroom condo a safe walk to the trade school on the other side of town from Harvard.