Monthly Archives: November 2007

Vestigial guilt

Tonight I didn’t bake. I didn’t shop for side dishes. I didn’t think about menus. I peeled nothing. I prepped nothing. No turkey is thawing. No pie crust is chilling.

Instead, I dozed off on the couch while watching television.

Part of my brain feels bad about that. The acculturated part that has heard about a “woman’s role” feels like maybe I’m not doing enough to keep a happy home. I can cook some, and I definitely can bake. Unfortunately for M., he’s met me post-Suzie Cupcake homemaker.

My attitude, which I’ll tell people who ask if I’m cooking tomorrow, is that I sous chef’ed aplenty for Pat. I helped year after year. I got into it. I can make gravy from scratch. I certainly can bake. I know about the sweated brow and trying to time dishes to arrive on the table at the same time, all warm and at their individual peaks. If there were something to prove, I think I proved it.

Now, I’m pretty much done with that phase. If I could have the warmth, homeyness and comfort of a simple feast without the worry and the stress of getting it right, I guess I would be fine with it. Wait, make that all the trimmings and none of the mess and fatigue.

M. probably pegged it right. By going out to dinner tomorrow night, the extra day off on Friday can be one of doing stuff and having fun. It will sure beat a needed extra day for recovery.

I’ll toast to hard workers and cooks everywhere from high above the city of SF, 36 floors above actually.

What a fucking world

I spent dinner all hot and bothered, ranting and yelling about that which I discovered today on the internets. Have you heard the one about the poor teenage suicide and her last encounter on myspace.com?

It seems a year ago a 13-year-old named Megan Meier crushed on a boy who gave her an add os a new friend. Of course, myspace.com has an age limit, and you’re supposed to be 14, but yeah, probably not the first kid to join up, right.

(By the way, the local paper describes her various angst-y hells of 13-dom, including giving her height and weight and apparently long-time struggle over the fat kid thang. The height and weight they gave for the tormented, two inches taller than me and not that far away on the poundage. In the pic, she looks, how should I say, “normal.” Ah, body image, at 13 and 43, I relate.)

Anyway, well in the realm of imagining, the teenage girl has some emotional issues, and the boy she found on the internet told her he couldn’t be her friend any more. Then “he” sent bulletins talking your basic junior high/high school smack. Ending in how everyone in her town hates her.

Shocking right? I mean, every single, fucking day, some kid somewhere gets shit on or tricked or otherwise made to feel ostracized. Back in my day, it was Chris Morrissey and her entourage telling me I couldn’t walk to school with them any more. (I think I lacked sufficient cool, or some other perceived weakness. Ironically on the cool scale, her older sister, Debbie, replete with the hip cache of being one of the older kids, welcomed me into her fold for the school walking.)

Now, inter-child cruelty is web-based and cyber-shitty. Sadly, one email too many ended in this girl going to her room and quietly killing herself before dinner.

Here’s the thing, though. Here’s the thing that has me apoplectically wondering about the utter fuckeduppedness of the world today.

Turns out the boy on myspace.com feigning interest at first an then betraying Megan was a fake. OK, again not surprising. But, FUCKING GROK THIS MISERY, “Josh,” the fake profile, was created by another 13-year-old girl from the neighborhood AND HER FUCKING ALL GROWN UP MOTHER. What kind of sad, sorry excuse for adulthood would fucking do that?

Everyone on the planet has now seen Chris Hansen shame the pants off of predators on the web. Hell, “To Catch a Predator” got so big that other news channels started investigating the investigations. And, don’t get me started again, about Perverted Justice.

I understand some of the law behind it. By the way, it does seem a bit fucked up to me that it’s wrong to solicit from folks who ain’t never going to give up the goods. I mean there’s a weird little part of it that makes me wonder if we’re bordering on mind policing with the whole online laws.

It’s not right and it’s not moral and it’s icky as hell, but I figure a good chunk of the the soliciting dudes are all sitting in their dingy grunts by the dim light of a basic beige box blazing up the intertubes with proposition after proposition. Like slightly retarded spiders they pounce on every breeze that vaguely shimmies their webs. They miss, they move on until the next breeze touches their world of eternal hope.

The key is mostly no one ever says “yes” to the dudes with online handles like “DavieWants2,” “can_i_rape_you_anally” and “kinky_man_in_corona” (all real names from the folks Perverted Justice notes as convicted). The guys are most definitely by most peoples standards total scumbags, I get that, but I think we all gotta admit that chatting up a teenager with:

manofdarkneedsl951 (10:36:56 PM): you like to see men jack off?

amid foreplay like “you want to meet an older man?” and misspelled questions about masturbation isn’t being deceptive. You read through a few Perverted Justice chats and the creepy guys aren’t exactly hiding the slime and luring folks into their lair.

I imagine if I had a teenager I could even show them the transcripts and pictures and instantly, even the most rebellious kid, would agree, “Yeah, Ma, no worries, that’s just gross, don’t worry about me jumping on that.”

Back to my point, though. In my world where free speech is a core value, there ought to be a law against a mother who poses on myspace.com to fuck with a girl to help her own sad 13-year-old. For her, I’d be willing to bring back some stocks, pillories and good, old-fashioned public shaming.

Stox5

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Pat wouldn't like this

Rest in Peace to Martha’s Big Martha. Like Little Pat, she was a retired schoolteacher who raised five kids and passed some home skills onto her daughters. If Pat had lived, I wonder if she would have read Martha’s blog and cursed her.

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I've said it before…

Women is losers.

Because of the crazy chick at work who’s been asking for my help, I picked up a couple of books from Amazon.com. She asked me to buy this one, which hasn’t arrived yet:


“Hiding Your Money : Everything You Need to Know About Keeping Your Money and Valuables Safe from Predators and Greedy Creditors” (Jerome Schneider, Allison Weiner, Allison Hope Weiner)

On Amazon you can pick up used for short money. Because I’m me, and I like buying books in general (with which I then taunt myself by not actually getting around to reading), I figured I’d pick her up another one that looked a bit more to the point.


“How to Hide Money from Your Hu…And Other Time-Honored Ways to Build A Nest Egg: The Best Kept Secret of Marriage” (Heidi Evans)

When it came yesterday to work (‘cuz we always have stuff delivered to work given we are seldom home during delivery times), I was a bit weirded out. I didn’t want to open the box and have one of my co-workers ask me about it. (Not to mention the folks with whom I’m friendly would probably ask, because they’ve all met M. and would be like “What the…?”) So I held the box until the very end of the day until maybe one person was left in my area.

And, then I thumbed through. Holy shit, you know the slogan “We’ve come a long way, baby?” Turns out, not so much. I mean, sure, maybe it’s a smaller subsection than say in 1952, but that book was published this century.

For me, the thing is, Pat left me with one life’s lesson, if she left me anything. Always, fucking always, have your own dough. Man, woman, child, whatever, your life your reigns to grab. It’s so deep in my psyche, I’m sure I’m an asshole to date, being as I’m all vagina-possessing and thereby weaker sexed. Can’t imagine not having some cash and holdings that are my very own. But, on the other hand, if I were a dude, I’d be like “Hell ya, woman, you got yours, I got mine, now let’s see what we can do together.”

I left it for her in a plain brown envelope in her work mailbox. I didn’t sign the note I left. I mean, if her husband is of a criminal bent, as has been implied, I ain’t have him searching out my name.

The story's the thing

So today I had another secret rendezvous with the chick who’s worried about her husband. Many of the rational bones in my head say, “Hey, um, fuckhead, you listening? Stay away from other folks’ troubles.”

But, still and all, curiosity eats me. I mean someone walks up to you and implies possible criminality, maybe a little affair or some bigamy, spy versus spy, cars following, and hells ya, I’m thinking movie of the week. I don’t need know TV set if folks just keep walking up and telling me good stories. Nope, writers’ strike don’t bother me, I got reality.

I’ll keep my wits about, as best I can. As always, I’ll work on leading the poor woman to professionals. I do think I inherited a bit of Pat’s magnet for helping lost souls. Over the years of school teaching, she sure got some terrible stories from kids who had no one else to confide. Of course, she probably had a bigger heart than me. Like, I can’t even keep a houseplant and she had five kiddies and taught.

Here’s what I know — either what the woman has told me is true, or it has elements of truth. Or, she’s out of her mind and it’s all made up. Either way, seriously bad.

She’s pretty sure there’s spyware on their home computer, rendering searching for useful info a bit hard. That seems plausible, if sucky. Easy to imagine a household where there’s people suspicious of computer use and checking each others history files and all. Shitty, but common enough. My recommendation was to pick up a cheap wireless laptop on Craig’s List, keep it in her work drawer and do what she needed to do right before or after work or during lunch using the guest network they have for visitors. Relatively anonymous network and timing it so there’s no skin off her boss’ ass.

(I know where I sit, I could probably get away with surfing all day, but in her cube ‘hood, I wouldn’t be so sure. Life in a high-class cube farm, you just can’t tell. Plus, we are surrounded by glass, making it a transparent workplace. Best to not jinx that which pays the bills.)

A few thoughts occurred during today’s convo, which just make me sad. One thought was women can be their own worst enemies. Doesn’t seem like I get into as many conversations with dudes on the order of “I know it’s wrong, and I feel bad and scared all the time, but I love him.”

Janis sang it best, “Women is losers.”

The other thought is about my own sense of self-reflection. Back in the bad, old dark days, when I dated the bad, old, asshole man, computer suspicions played into our horrid, little script. In retrospect, you know the view to the past where I am brilliantly understanding, yeah, in retrospect, I should have fucking grokked that someone freaking out if you looked over his shoulder at the screen, let alone actually touched his keyboard, opened software or sat unsupervised at his desk chair, had what you would call “issues.”

Now, both our laptops lie around the apartment never supervised. M. will ask me to check info on his ‘puter or his iPhone, upgrade, fix, whatever and will provide me the passwords as needed. He doesn’t even flinch, and the only thing that keeps him from fiddling with my stuff is the elaborate layers of geekiness I’ve concocted and my Mac-ness.

It’s amazing how the lack of hassle can feel like a positive quality just on its own merit.

Related to that feeling, my workplace has a few qualities that feel like M.’s openness with his junk. (Read “junk” any way you like.) It’s a private building down a long private driveway, where the only people who head down the drive know why they are there. It’s a rich building in a rich neighborhood where the local Barney Fife who minds the neighborhood once tapped on the window of my car when I was waiting outside the buildin to verify I belonged. On top of that, it’s all about sight lines to the great outdoors and windows and skylights.

Even if you wanted to lift your co-workers’ wallets, which is hard to imagine in the enclave, folks’d notice.

Weird it was, then, when today’s secret meeting happened in a conference room overlooking our back patio and the back periphery of grass and trees and shrubs. She noticed a middle-aged khaki-clad gentleman walking on a trail that runs behind the building. A trail that is almost unused in a space no one could possibly find from the street.

According to the mystery woman, she had seen him before. He’s one of the people she and her kids have seen following them.

If it’s true, how fucked up is that? If it’s not true, whoa, what a delusion.

The only non-work people I have ever seen in that vicinity, ever, ever, ever, have been the ubiquitous, spandex-clad, brightly colored bikers, who swarm the area generally. They know the back path, because there’s a bike path under a highway nearby. First time ever for a chubby guy in khakis.

Could be nothing, but it’s a great seed in the story.

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Newsy

I’ve been meaning to write about Time fucking magazine for a little while now. A few weeks back, this was their cover story:
1101071029 400

I read the cover story. Eager, I was, dying to see how I stack up among the averages, among the trends, among the pop psych bullshit answers of our current age. One birth order dealio that maybe, just maybe, I could groove on — The youngest are the funniest and some of them become comedians. Damn skippy, I am one funny baby of the family. The less funny elders can eat my dust.

But, you knew there would be a but, they make a couple of completely ludicrous “scientific” statements. Supposedly, as you trek down the birth order you lose an IQ point or two on the slide. Um, what? I don’t understand. Must be big words or something.

Actually, the quote is,

In June, for example, a group of Norwegian researchers released a study showing that firstborns are generally smarter than any siblings who come along later…”

So, really, it’s just the fucking Norwegians. I’m not caribou or salt cod, and I got the American sense of rugged self-sufficiency. Maybe if my sibs were from Norway, they could catch up to me.

Come to think of it, I’d say I know a few bright babies of their families. M. is his fam’s Number 1 son. I give him some space. He can’t help the weakness of the firstborn.

In less national news, although arguably Time’s cover ain’t really what you would call “news,” after seeing the flick Gone Baby Gone, I mentioned this T-shirt company. Particularly, their parishes of Dot number. Sweetheart and reader, M., fired up the credit cards and bought a couple. I guess we have our matching outfits to wear under the Christmas tree with a cup of nog, whilst Pat’s generation remembers Saint Matthew’s and traces what other ‘hoods they habituated by silhouette of steeples.

Right after those shirts arrived in a package, one of his Boston-based coworkers with a name like McCarthy, if you can imagine a name such as that in the Boston area, sent us a couple of 2007 World Series Champions shirts. Looks like we could rock matching t-shirts for a sufficient number of days to get my bro’s projectile vomiting at our cuteness.

I think in prep for the upcoming holidays, M. played Scorcese’s The Departed on the old cable on-demand channel this evening. Still like that movie. I remember waxing wiseass somewhere on the world wide webs about the best line in that one. The line that explains so much to those who meet me and mine, and many of my friends (and which no one at my fucking job gets at all). Matt Damon’s character says

If we’re not gonna make it, it’s gotta be you that gets out, cause I’m not capable. I’m fucking Irish, I’ll deal with something being wrong for the rest of my life.

There’s also the thing about Freud saying the Irish couldn’t be helped with psychoanalysis. Although, he never fucking said it. Sounds cool though.

(Where did I mention these lines roughly a year ago? In the comments of the wonderful Dot Dwyer’s site.)

No other news from me, but I did update the stupid quiz thingie on the left. And, I’m still obsessed with a bit of research on my roots. Made me think about the timing of Pat’s leaving the planet and my meeting M. Given he’s from a Taoist, Buddhist, Confucianist, ancestor-worshipping folk, who might believe that ancestors and their characteristics can reappear in subsequent generations, I still maintain there’s a bit of her reincarnated in him. Which makes me kind of a lesbitarian Oedipal psycho.

(As a P.S. we bought our X-Mas travel plane tickets. If anyone wants to hang in Boston (or the ‘burbs) around Santa time, shoot me an email. We’re planning to rent a car, and M. is leaving on the Wednesday after Jesus’ birthday. I’m hanging around til Friday. Ho fucking ho.)

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Who am I?

I came across a note in some PR-esque shit about Google’s Book Search.

Someone who may or may not have a common ancestor with me, found this picture page:

books

I think I might be ordering Plymouth Labor and Leisure from Amazon.com. I’ve spent the night trying to figure out my dad’s family and what his mother’s name was and if there is any record of her. My mother claimed she was born in Ireland and died in Ireland, so maybe I could become an Irish citizen. My pro-American boy wouldn’t like it, but the times of Bush’s war and all are making me think about joining another crowd.

Then again, we saw Lions for Lambs last night. Sure it was a bit preachy, but it was all and all pretty effective I thought. Today’s college youth, overlaid with yesterday’s protestor, current old man, overlaid with today’s volunteer army youth, overlaid with Westpoint turned Senator, overlaid with the press. Pretty much, we’re all complicit in the fucked up state of our war and our shit foreign policy.

Bob Redford also blessedly kept his sermon short. By the time I was fully wrapping my head around the flick, it was over.

I don’t know what made me a wee bit sadder, the war itself and the message, or the fact that we went with M.’s engineer friend (whose consciousness has been mildly raised since being wed, if I might spout meaningless pop cultural/psychological gibberish) and well, his brain hasn’t been that raised. Kind of missed the point entirely the post-show conversation bore out.

Sigh.

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Brain dead?

In a theoretical way, I want to write. I want to be creative. I want to make or do stuff.

But, in an actual way, fuck it.

I don’t know what my deal is, but I don’t feel too energetic about anything even mildly entertaining or creative. Sitting, that’s the creation I’m most into right now. Sitting. And copying computer files from one computer to another and from one drive to another. And back.

But, mostly sitting.

I’m dull.

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I'd like to think I'm a nice person

Clearly, I am a worthless piece of shit or incredibly dumb and lazy. I had a few half-way decent ideas boiling in my head tonight. Stuff I could right, you know, you dig, can you imagine me actually trying to write, right.

But, no, I avoided that until now, and now I have shame.

I could have written about my first local election. The booklet the county mailed had maybe 4 pages of instructions on how to vote with the newfangled voting technology, and it had one page on the actual voteable stuff. (By the way, the election site for my newly adopted county has the awe-inspiring URL of http://www.shapethefuture.org/. Not the least bit corny, no, not at all.) I only wish I could embed this video here. Remember when a black Sharpie and coloring were the only skills and equipment you would need?

Marker Fine Black

For all the technology, we voted on exactly two things. Who we wanted on the Fire Protection District board and whether the spending limit on how much the fire district folks could get. I’d be lying if I claimed anything but that I don’t fucking know what a fire district is. I’m pretty sure it has to do with the bright red trucks with the sirens.

One lonesome idea I’ve been meaning to talk about is my hankering to head to an open mike. I performed in August at the Edinburgh Fest, and I’m thinking it’s time to head back to performing. At least up until it makes me want to cry again.

I also could have cobbled together a couple of thoughts on “new media,” old media, performance, art and the writers’ strike. Fucking hell, I’m so plugged in these days, I actually took a seat at a table meeting with Youtube.com folks about their new channels. I’m that fucking hip.

If I could get it up, I might even take some potshots at these assclowns, who are kind of self-annointed comedy experts. I became aware of them through one of the unfunnier, more sycophantic people I met in the Boston scene, who did some writing on the early site. I caught half the core staff doing the standup thing at a fest in a show we both did. Hmm, the least said, the better.

With time and inclination, maybe I’ll write about what a lot of comics, including those linked above, don’t seem to get when they throw out the new face and the new media and the new world order.

So, yeah, some half-assed shit ideas. I could have written. I might even have reviewed the movie American Gangster. Short take — Good, but Ridley could use an editor and a soupcon less self-indulgence.

Instead, I killed brain cells and time passed. I got caught up in a horrible phenom of the “new media,” reaction videos on Youtube.com from 2 girls 1 cup. The reaction are enough, don’t, I repeat, don’t ever try to find the original. I got through 10 seconds of, I think, 80 seconds total and bailed with the horror of humanity.

But, the reaction videos are an interesting flow. People are fucked up. And, they are quite multi-faceted in their ceaseless variations on amusing themselves.

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