The thoughts that filled my head last night were about what the ancient Romans might have called civilitas fellatio. Unless they just said, “Fuck, what’s the big hairy deal about giving head?”

If anyone who knows me in a platonic or familial sense sees this entry, quick pick up a pencil, because I think you probably want to ram it into your eyes now, lest you read further.

Last night in a comedy show, there was an interesting counterpoint. There were sketches from a couple of 20-something women, one who definitely swings on both sides of the sexuality gate and the other, I’m guessing, is quite comfortable in the company of women. And, there was stand-up from an interesting character, who has told me at various times he’s 29 or in his 30s, but who looks to be definitely in the range from 40 to death. He loves misogynistic shock stuff, and for some reason I don’t understand I laugh at his shit even as it registers high on the anti-woman meter. Maybe it’s the sheer bombast of his delivery and the outrageousness of his claims.

So, in one of the women-fueled sketches, there’s a reference to giving a boy oral “because his pleasure is my pleasure.” Fair amount of laughter from a crowd dominated by co-eds from a women’s college, who came to support their friends’ sketches. On the other hand, the sociopathic male comic (I say that as a point of fact not at all an editorial comment on his humor) made repeated references to breaking women’s pelvises with his banging abilities and monster cock and even killing a woman with his swordsmanship. A different segment of the audience entirely laughed.

From my point of view, it’s hard to accept the laughter from the sketch, but I laughed at the running dick joke of the comic. I am so not into submission, ropes, pain, blah blah. Too much work, and even when I kiddingly act the weaker sex, it tends to sound ball-bustingly insincere. Neither joke resonates with my personal reality. (Although, I once got a pathetic phonecall breaking of ties from a guy who I, in an overly athletic maneuver, appeared to have wounded somewhere in the lumbar region. Apparently, after going home, he ended up in some kind of massive back spasm, days of bed rest and doctor-prescribed meds. Not to brag or anything. Too bad, too, since he was cute and a projectionist so I could see movies for free.)

I think the underlying assumption in both is chicks don’t like sex. In the first, women everywhere nod along, maybe, because to give head is to be somehow subjugated by the man. In the second, he is such a man he not only dominates women, he snaps them. It’s so fucking absurd (especially if you knew this guy) you have to laugh.

I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe no woman ever sucks a cock, because she wants to suck some cock. Obviously, there is a pretty strong belief that a blow job is icky, otherwise there wouldn’t be a shitload of male hack comics basically bitching that they can never find a chick who will polish their helmets. Maybe even the tiniest movement toward woman on man oral is a cry for help, and self-esteem is not even a fantasy of a dream of a reality. “Hurt me, daddy, I am a wicked girl.”

Yeah. fuck that bullshit. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t ever want to be a one-trick pony and make a suitable hummer my life’s work. Hey, I like doughnuts now and again, but I ain’t never ate a whole dozen. Nope, I prefer a multi-course meal and cum guzzling would likely be just an hors d’ouevre.

You know what? I should never have skipped lunch to write here.