You may be spending the laziest weekend ever when you try to decide the best time to masturbate and what outfit to wear afterward and then you kind of half-ass the whole thing, because it’s too much effort.

Yup, I couldn’t get it up to try to get it up, as it were.

Completely unrelated (I mean completely, as in 180 degrees), since it’s Easter, I was thinking about ham, and that had me thinking about my mom. One of my favorite classic Pat stories, from Pat the later years, takes place after her house fire. After much of her house apart from the frame was completely destroyed, she had nothing. Literally, the smokey clothes on her back were what was left of her worldly possessions.

So all of us around in my family had various shopping expeditions to re-outfit Pat with the basics. For me the classic trip was a visit to Walmart’s, where I tried to convince her to live a little and buy two six packs of undies. She thought one was more than enough, whilst I believe you can never, ever have more than enough underwear. I chose not to argue with my mother about the cotton brief aspect, because I know that I could not survive in a world with six pairs of cotton briefs. I mean even if you ain’t doing anything slutty, every now and again you might want to look the part.

I digress, however. The best shopping story of all was my aunt’s (Pat’s little sister). My mom called her to say that she had to go to the drugstore and get essentials. My aunt probably envisioned essentials like aspirin or chapstick or maybe drugs, whatever mundane and usual purchase one gets at the local pharmacy. So, they head off to the nearby CVS for survivalist Pat’s essentials.

And, what, you might ask, did Pat buy at CVS after losing everything to fire — A new lipstick and a canned ham.

That has to be some kind of definition of style.