So, if you were to go back a little in time and read through my old ‘blog (before the inception of dee-rob.com), you would see a lot of angst in regard to a comedy show. For a whole lot of reasons, I had a hard time fitting into a group of women for a special all women show. Overall, the show came together pretty well, and I felt like I contributed to it. I also honestly like the women in the show, and I respect the woman who organized it considerably. She works hard at comedy, is funny and is getting some well-deserved recognition.

But, throughout the rehearsal process I couldn’t shake a lot of negative feelings. I think in hindsight a lot of what I felt was partially attributable to both what I enjoy and value in humor and my own sense of womanhood not being in sync with the group. The other, harder part for me was that the show stretched me to be different from who I am both on and off stage (e.g. dancing), which is generally a good thing. However, in the context of this show, my own insecurities felt magnified, because it seemed at the time that everyone else was on board and I was out of step (lame dance pun, I know). I felt very adolescent, because it seemed like the other “girls” were cool and fine, and I was different. I wanted so much to be a part of the whole, but I couldn’t do it.

Toward the end of the rehearsal process, I realized that I wasn’t alone, once I talked with someone else in the group. Again, it was like a teenage dynamic for me. Like you do before becoming an adult, I struggled with acceptance and expectations and trying to find people with whom I felt comfortable.

Now, far away from the rehearsals and perhaps for having done them, I can see clearly that my folly was trying to fit in with the group. Of the core women, their average age was a good decade less than mine. My parents are both gone, so clearly they are not a factor in my current life. I have a mortgage. I’ve probably dated as many men or more than the group had combined (or women since it was an inclusive lifestyle group). I don’t have roommates or car problems or many of the worries that are key in your twenties and early thirties. Socially, then, for me it wasn’t exactly a peer group.

In terms of comedy, I struggle with confidence issues, although in my heart I am proud of my originality, and in terms of writing alone, I am comfortable. I’m also more or less comfortable with my self in general (yup that is equivocal). But, I have a hard time with stage fright, and I lack some of the assertiveness you need to get your name and face out there. The confidence thing is hardly a universal feeling in comedy, so I have a difficult time finding my ground and holding it, while others around me are fronting their agendas with wild abandon. So, in this group I was lost. I was afraid to speak up and when I did it felt awkward, and the teenage angst would outweigh any point I wanted to make.

And, in the end, I would have to admit that some of the sketches or ideas just weren’t my cup of tea.

All of what I have written is mature (I hope), reserved, realistic (I believe) and genuine to how I feel. I truly can accept that not all things are for all people. I understand that development of friendships among other people does not mean that I am unliked. The one person with whom I felt most comfortable in the show told me how she had bowed out of any future productions, because it wasn’t in line with what she wants to do in comedy. I didn’t do that, since I honestly couldn’t decide how strongly I felt.

However, having written this all out, I have to admit one thing to myself. It does hurt that I wasn’t asked to be part of the next outing they plan. (Truly a wasted emotion, I might add, since it is scheduled two days after my 40th birthday, when I plan to be in California or six feet under.)