If you’re a new “comic” (it’s in quotes, because the fact that you have talked into a mike on stage doesn’t make you one) or even an older one who should know better, here are some rules:
Periodically, say something funny. It helps liven the room up a bit.
If you just started, don’t tell people that it’s your job and describe what your comic life is like. No one likes the delusional. Besides in the off chance they believe you, you’re suckiness will convince them comics suck.
Don’t shit on the venue. They are doing you a favor, be polite.
Don’t shit on the host. He’s doing you a favor, be polite.
Don’t shit on the other comics, explain their jokes or otherwise mess with them, unless you are one hundred percent sure you can do it to great comedic effect for both of you. Oh, yeah, don’t shit on the other comics.
If the word comedy or some laughing euphemism like chuckle or yuk isn’t in the name of the place, it’s just a bar or restaurant that’s letting you use the space. You are a guest. You are in essence another kind of paying customer. Ergo, your opinion of how they should run their business is tenuous at best. Guests act like guests. Douchebags don’t know the difference.
There are more shitty “comics” in the world then there are “bad” audiences. What do you think more likely, a group of strangers, who are not Amish or monks, have conspired to not laugh and stay silent, or you have failed to tickle their funny bone? (Hint: the answer is the second one.)
If the audience doesn’t laugh, don’t tell them it’s beyond them. That’s pretty fucking unlikely, Einstein. Most people don’t generally respond well to arrogant pricks. In other words, they got it, they just didn’t think it was funny.
Laugh at my jokes, I’m funnier than you.
Worship me.
Most of this list is a damn good idea.
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