I’m mildly obsessed with the kid from Missouri that they found after disappearing four years ago when he was 10 or 11. How fucked up must it be to be living that kid’s life.

My obsession, though, is on kind of a side note. And, that note is not that the alleged fuckwad perpetrator, likely pedophile, shares a family name with my fam. Nope that’s kind just the fun part.

My obsession is on the angle CNN seems to be taking, more in its broadcast teases than online. The whole disbelief that this pizza guy/mortician helper could do it drama I get. Like he could be a dickwad over parking spaces not a kidnapper.

OK, got it, classic fucked up dude next door quotes. Ted Bundy helped shovel snow, Jeffrey Dahmer was polite, yada. That angle on CNN is classic (or hackneyed). But they keep ominously dropping in phrases like, “And, none of his neighbors questioned who was living at his apartment…”

Um, what? From now on, anyone moves in with a teenager or younger, I’m assuming pervert. I think that’s what CNN wants. If he don’t never bring home a pizza, my hypothetical neighbor, I’m fucking calling the SVU squad. We are all fucked up pervs lusting in pedophiliac fugue states waiting for our moment to nab a kid of our very own.

I totally dig it taking a village. I’m psyched to be moving to a neighborhood where there might even be folks who act neighborly and shit. And, hell yeah, I hope if I hear some crazy ass shit going on next door, I don’t act as courageously as Kitty Genovese’s ‘hood.

But, pretty much, I can’t be living ever so suspicious 24/7. I mean, I can hate people all day long, but I just can’t be assuming they’re completely fucked up creeps.

By the way, what the fuck kind of part time job mix is that–making pizzas and answering phones for dead people, or whatever you do as a phone operator at a funeral home? (I never paused to think of mortuaries as high volume enough to need phone answering as a specialized task.) I got friends (I swear I do) who mix up avocation, vocation, part-time gigs, full-time gigs, and all sorts of odd jobs. But pizza and death seem so incongruous.