So, I’m watching MSNBC. Already, that is not a proud moment. Worse yet, we’re watching Tucker Carlson.

I’m completely distracted. Not only is Tuck (I think I can call him that, it’s better than douche), anyway Tuck has an open collar sans signature bowtie (see douche). Weird enough. But, the part that shows I have no sense of something grave and important–He’s chatting about the potential problems with nuclear bombs and all I’m thinking is “What’s going on with his lips? Are they chapped? Are those cold sores? What is it?”

His makeup artist has quit or died or something. He looks sore and red. How can I care about world issues when Blistex has apparently become as rare as an undocumented worker who doesn’t deserve to be labeled a felon.