So I remain caught up in my head and foolishly worrying and feeling bad for myself, but I am beginning to realize my retardation. Maybe it’s the Somerville News reference to my pessimism.

Anyway, to really sink into a useless feeling of failure and bleakness, you probably shouldn’t have any friends. But, alas, it appears that I do. I had a couple of convo’s with comics that reminded me of the 900 ways you can have bad feelings while putting yourself out there in a risky (or at least quite uncomfortable) venture. And, yeah, quite a few fucking people you are going to meet in a day are going to be selfish. No surprise there.

Maybe comics are more selfish, or maybe the fact that you are competing for attention with other people who believe they have something as important or more important to say just makes it seem that way. For me, if you up that dynamic by throwing me, a middle-aged chick, into a realm dominated by young men and essentially boys of 20, it would be far more unusual if I didn’t feel alienated.

Of course, the difficulty of boy comics is that they think they have insight. There is nothing more boring or annoying (in a gnat swarm on a summer’s day way) then some boy equating his experiences with yours.

It’s natural and all, but goddamnit, the eagerness of 20, but when you’ve lived twice as long, your outlook is just different. That realization sounds like fodder for the neighborly crank character, but it’s fucking true. I am sure at 80 I will have a different perspective, weighted by my life of decades, as compared to 40. It is the same with my 40 years over their 20.

My antidote is to seek out conversations with peers, whether chronologic or otherwise. I succeeded in doing that tonight, and the bonus was we may have chased off a 20-something, who suddenly seemed to realize we weren’t all on the same page and left. (Or maybe, and correctly for him, he was bored with our older woman speak; Good riddance.)

Anyway, how can I feel too low, when my mailbox is full of cool, affordable apartment listings from M. that include pools and hot tubs and gardens and the California grooviness you hear tell about.