There are actually two modes of conversation for the now wishing he were gone already house-guest: Extreme know-it-all and competition you in which didn’t know you were participating.

The know-it-all-ism is over a broad range of topics from the mundane to the grandiose. Examples thus far include, how to store lemons, why my obviously souvenir quality utility knife imprinted “Grand Canyon” is inadequate, how to shoot weapons and disarm the guy who recently brought us out shooting, what the potential BART transit strikers needed to do, all manner of world affairs (’cause, like, you know, he’s been traveling) and my personal fave, since he’s not without a little softness in the middle and it’s based purely on theory, how M. must train for the half-marathon he’s entered.

The competition thang is just about everything you do or say being one-upped. His faster, smaller computer, better bike (he had once, I guess), superior computer skills, while I made lemon bread with our lemon glut, he would have made meringue pie, he’s logged more countries seen, has more knowledge on everything (see above), cracks about everything he knows that M. doesn’t, cracks about things he thinks M. doesn’t know, even how his life has been harder. It’s relentless, constant.

My favorite was last night, though. I mentioned not needing to bring water or any other beverage to work, since it’s provided. He asked me how many drinks I drank in a day and then went on to enumerate how many he would drink if it were free. Apparently my free-soda drinking is strictly amateur.